remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
