I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
