just tell him i said nine months
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize