I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you didnt know i had herpes?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
