Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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