I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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