Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
We named our party play list daddy issues
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
