the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
