Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize