Four minutes until I can fart!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
