I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
