So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
