Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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