don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
