Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize