If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
