Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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