i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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