I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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