i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
