Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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