Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
