for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
