Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize