My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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