Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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