Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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