I smell stomach acid.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Drunk is not a location!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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