highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
