i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
