I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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