There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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