She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
