I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
