I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize