Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
