just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
