WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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