Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
