I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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