She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
