break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
