Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
im about as happy as oj after his trial
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
