just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
