He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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