Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
