see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
