i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
We left an ass print on the piano.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize