it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
