There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize