I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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