There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
