I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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