I seem to have left my pride at pride
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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