Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
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