Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
