it's too hot outside to masturbate.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
