Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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