Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
