Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
