Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
