I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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