i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
