I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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