I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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