tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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